It’s snowing outside and Rebecca’s napping. We got up early today for her to play and sing and for me to do powerpoint at the East End campus of Sojourn, our church. It’s not a typical way to spend Valentine’s, but things are not typical for us right now.
I suppose that’s not quite true, but typical has changed since we’ve been expecting this new family member. Rebecca’s sense of romanticism is no different than it was before, and today she’s just trying to nap away the nausea. The first trimester is ending, so hopefully she won’t feel as ill so often.
While she was napping I watched “The Seventh Seal” on Netflix. It was directed by Ingmar Bergman and had Max Von Sydow in it. I must say, I’ve never watched a film in Swedish before.
I probably shouldn’t have watched so deep and heavy a movie as this in the middle of the afternoon and by myself, but I really don’t get the chance to watch too many “arthouse” films these days as a first-year teacher and I just decided to take the opportunity as it presented itself.
The story is about a medieval knight returning from the crusades who challenges Death to a game of chess in order to win his life back. He and most everyone in the film is somewhat grim. The squire is witty and comical, but in a much darker way than I expected. His character professes a disbelief in any kind of higher being as the knight and several around him think about death. Other characters get involved and lighten the knight’s mood even as the black plague is all around them. Here, there be spoilers. In the end, the knight, as must we all, loses to Death and just barely makes it to his home to see his wife when Death comes to visit him and all of his guests. They all look Death in the eye and respond in different ways. The Knight is still praying to God for mercy, while the squire says to forget praying to nothing and enjoy the last seconds of life. A girl with them looks almost admiringly at Death, as if she’s been hoping he’d come soon.
We all do look at death differently. In some way, we’re all a little afraid, as we would be of anything so uncertain as death. Aside from what we believe about God, and the occasional acquaintance whose heart stopped for a few seconds and may have actually seen a white light, we’ve not met anyone who has died and returned, and that’s as it should be. Any idea we may have of what death or the afterlife will be like is a guess, even if it is based on Scripture or the experiences of others.
I’m the kind of person who likes surprises and I have always enjoyed starting out on a new journey. In some way, I’ve made my peace with death as a young person. On the other hand, I’ve never had as much to live for as I do now. I have a wife and a coming child to take care of and provide for. I’ve never been much of a risk-taker; I’ve always played it safe –for example: I’ve never had any interest in sky-diving or bungee jumping, and recently I’ve been offered the opportunity to sky dive with a friend at his bachelor party, an offer to which I’ve given plenty of thought since -”hey, why not? I’ve never really had an opportunity to do it before, why not now?” – except I then remembered that I’m going to be a father a few months after that, and as safe as I’m sure the sky diving industry is, I don’t really want to put myself in the way of anything that would keep me from being able to raise my child. I guess there’s no point in keeping it a secret that I would like to live long enough to see my grandchildren marry. In the end, I only have so much control over how long I live — even making wise decisions doesn’t assure me any extra time.
Lord, come for me when You’re ready for me, but please don’t make it soon.
-Adam